2013 Year in Review

Everywhere I look there is com kind of year in review or best of 2013 something or other and I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting this past week.

I am thankful for graduating high school and moving to Grand Valley. I love all the new people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and making friends. You guys made my year more unique and uplifting than anything I could have done on my own.

I am thankful for all the ties with my “old” friends that have just gotten stronger with time and a “little” space. Every moment I spend with you is dearly special to me and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Know that I am here for you anytime, and anyplace, I may be.

I am so happy to get to know my extended family more, and being able to see cousins for the first time in over 10 years. You guys are awesome, and I’m so happy we are family. And even though I am only a short car ride away, moving away has made my bond with my immediate family that much more special and memorable each time I come home or have the blessing of talking with them on the phone.

After all the disappointment, tears, and anxiety of this year, through all the trials, changes, (and the drawing of a new life plan), there have been some amazing memories made. I count the beautiful days far above the dreary ones; more beautiful is my day made by the people that surround me. I LOVE each and every one of you. Thank you for making 2013 my favorite year yet. I’m sure there will be some fantastic things to come in the future. God Bless. – Sarah

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Observations from a Friend

I’ve seen people abused, misused
And told “get back in the kitchen!”
And what do we do in that condition?
Fight back or go into remission?
Fighting ourselves becomes our mission,
Cuz every human wants to fit in.
We hurt ourselves, with words and knives,
Saying “you should be fucking better,”
Prevent ourselves from leading lives,
But do you remember writing yourself a letter, …
In class, sent to the you of the future.
You knew that you’d be stronger, think smarter,
Work harder and be a leader.
And do you ask yourself each day,
“Where did I go wrong?”
Because maybe your favorite song is no longer
The one with which you identify,
but the one which with you long for.
- John Maguire
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1/25

Even as we float along in our lives, whether we have a plan or not, there are always obstacles. We will swerve to try to go around them but more often than not we end up running straight into them. They are unpredictable and sometimes scary.

Relationships particularly, we think we have some control. But it’s all just an illusion. Control in a relationship is taken by the one with less insecurities. The side with the insecurities is just supposed to ignore them. They are supposedly signs of doubt and unease. But to dismiss these feeling we have is to deny the fact that we have them. They aren’t unhealthy, they are a sign of unease. But it is not our fault that we have them. For those people who have fears, for those who need to be reminded of the love and faithfulness that their mates have for them. Do not dismiss the feelings. Yes there may be times of loneliness and sadness, they may find it unreasonable and think you unstable. But you are just thinking clearly and want to feel wanted… completely understandable.

Listen to the people around you that understand. The lyrics of a scorned artist, the ballad of an unresolved poet, the blog of a lonely lover. We understand the insecurities. They happen, it’s common. But taken strength and confront your partner. Tell them your doubts. Make them understand what you want in the relationship. DO NOT HIDE. You are strong.

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When I Die

People dying every day

People dying every way

People dying in their beds

People dying inside their heads

 

All I wish is when I die

I have Jesus by my side

 

No strangers by my bed

Friends and Family by my head

So I can see them as I close my eyes

And breath my last breath

My heart rate is getting slow

My children pleading “Please don’t go”

That’s when I’ll have to say

That I’m going home

To be with my husband

To dance with my father

That is where I belong

Right there among

My family when I die

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A Prayer

I love the Lord, My God, My King

I pray he leads me in everything

My hate and sin, sorrow and pain

Take them away, wash them in rain

Take my body, heart and soul

My savior Jesus makes me whole

I love the Lord, my God, My King

I pray he leads me in everything

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Tracks

To reflect is a leisurely opportunity that many cannot afford.

To try to change the direction of your life can seem impossible. It feels as if once you have started moving there are no other possibilities until you have reached the end of the tracks… Then you can choose a new set of rails and ride those until they have ended, or you have crashed. Some are lucky enough to realize that they are not on the tracks they wanted to be on. Some may try to jump trains as they see the things they have always wanted flying past them. Some make the jump. Others do not. Some people are pleased with the tracks they follow. Ignorant of the things they truly want. Pushing along at their sub-level lives. They are blessed with seeing the beauty of everything their life touches.

To start with a title is to define the ending. If ever I start with the end there is never a beginning. Drawings start with an idea. Or at least their supposed to. A picture is formed in the artists head of what they want to make. Then the brain sends signals to the hand to pick up the brush and begin. But to begin painting with nothing in mind is to waste the paint. The art turns to an ugly array of indistinct lines. Pointing nowhere. They form no shape. And what could have been a perfect master piece is something that will never hang on walls. Never be admired. Never be seen again.

Writers have it better. To let words flow from their mind to fingers. No endings necessary. Whatever needs to be said can be brushed forth with no after thought. Never to look back, or forward. But to always live in the perfectness of a moment that will never be had again. Not to critic. Not to plan. Following tracks until they end. When the words have left and there are no more to be found. That is when the story has ended. And a title can be put at the beginning.

And the writer may move on with new tracks. Or stop where he was dropped off. Often he cannot personally make that choice. The words decide for him.

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not enough

I can’t breathe

The air has disappeared

Drowning in to everything else,

In this room

Not enough

To fill my lungs

With the cool rush of wind

Not enough

To move

Going faint

Fall to floor

In a coma

Don’t wake me

Flying in the happier places

Of dreams

My happy place

But of course

Not enough

Rushed to a nurse

Cold ice claws me from my dreams

A shiver runs down my spine

As I slowly rise off the crackling bed

I can walk, barely

Still that’s

Not enough

I have to go

Back to the place

Where the air melted

To nothing in an instant

Forcing my greedy lungs to contract

In a race to steal the wind back

To prevent the powerful, personal, pain

Of losing you

Overflow me

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